


bang your head against the wall

by PotofCoffee



Category: Holby City
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Clueless Bernie, F/F, Fluff, Scary Serena, background Raf Di Lucca/Adrian Fletcher
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-27 11:12:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10017251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PotofCoffee/pseuds/PotofCoffee
Summary: Bernie's boss is a scary woman. Terrifying, even. A beautiful, highly competent, terrifying woman.This wouldn't be a problem if Bernie could just keep her mouth shut.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [roslin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/roslin/gifts).



> Hi everybody! I'm back with just a little ficlet here. This Serena is a little tougher and a little (a lot) scarier than the one we know now. More shades of early season 14 Serena when she was cold and manipulative but if she had hardened rather than softened from there.  
> This is for my good friend Nessa, because one day [she fucked up horribly](http://roslin.tumblr.com/post/152699225262/today-i-fucked-up) and I loved the story so much I had to write an AU of it. (Also it doesn't seem to have worked out too badly for her. You go gurl. Proud of you.)  
> I don't know what level of insanity you have to be getting to to be writing a fanfiction AU based on a friend's life but well here we are.
> 
> Thanks as always to Crystal and Nova, leading ladies of my life.

It is a truth universally acknowledged at Holby City Hospital that Serena Campbell is fucking terrifying. It is such a well known fact, that for the past four years the employees of Darwin and AAU have an ongoing contest: they keep a tally of everything their respective bosses do and at the end of the year meet up at Albie’s where Keller deliberates and chooses who had it worse. This is of course followed by the ‘better off’ party buying the ‘worse off’ party’s drinks for the rest of the evening and incites much revelry for all involved. This was all described to Bernie soon after she ended up working on AAU, at Albie’s after work one day, by Raf and Fletch. They took it upon themselves to welcome Bernie to the ward, inviting her out for drinks, and Bernie never really had a reason to say no.

“It’s a different kind of terrifying,” Fletch said, taking a sip of his beer. “Ms. Naylor will glare you down and then kill you in your sleep, very ice queen that one. Whereas Ms. Campbell would stab you right in the chest in front of everyone, probably while telling you everything you’ve done wrong in the last week.”

“But you love her,” Bernie shot back, it had only been a few weeks but she’d already seen the devotion the staff on AAU had for Ms. Campbell.

“Absolutely. We’d die for her, and I think she would for us,” he turned towards Raf at that and Raf nodded his agreement.

“She’s scary, sure, but she’s our scary boss you know?” Raf chipped in, leaning in closer to Fletch as he said it. “It’s like having a really intimidating aunt. She's still family. Plus she’s great at her job.”

“She is a fantastic surgeon,” Bernie assented. Because it was the truth. Watching her do a very delicate nerve repair earlier that day had felt more like pleasure than work. And she’s a great boss as well, she fights for AAU to get their due at the hospital, is known for going to bat for her team. She’s been good to Bernie as well.

“Who did you tick off to wind up down here?” She had asked dryly when Bernie had first shown up in her office.

“What do you mean?” Bernie had asked, confused as ever by this place, where all the rules were different than what she knew.

“Nobody ends up on AAU out of choice, not from Keller certainly. You must have rubbed someone up the wrong way to be booted down to us,” she was seated at her desk as she spoke, Bernie can remember being struck by her eyes (beautiful, brown, with a wicked glint in them) and her lips (sinfully red). She had remembered at that point seeing her a couple of weeks earlier, in the parking lot, having a row with her car. Had remembered thinking she was beautiful then, if more than a little intimidating.

“It doesn’t seem so bad,” Bernie had said tentatively, not wanting to be rude.

“Well, I hope you didn’t get used to nicely planned electives and cushy days. That’s not what you’ll be getting here.”

“Right. Okay.” Bernie had considered mentioning that she was used to the hectic chaos of war but, well, she was still trying not to be rude.

And that was that. Bernie had always been used to keeping her head down and working hard and she kept to that. She still keeps to that mostly. Tries not to make the same mistakes she made on Keller on AAU. It’s different though because Serena, and she always privately thinks of her as Serena not Ms. Campbell, doesn’t seem to mind when Bernie gets pushy, when Bernie takes over and does what she does best. Sometimes she even gives Bernie that little half smile, that nod of approval that makes Bernie’s chest tighten, fills her with warmth.

One time she told Bernie ‘good job’ and Bernie carried that memory around like a good luck charm, kept it in the back of her mind when she needed cheering up. She likes Serena, respects her definitely. She doesn’t mind that she’s a little acerbic. She never has to guess where she stands with Serena and she likes that. Privately Bernie thinks they could be good friends, in some other universe where Bernie can talk to people, where Serena isn’t her boss. But she enjoys the relationship they have, too. Not that it’s much of one. At least not in the sense of a relationship going both ways. Bernie’s sure Serena never gives her a second thought beyond her role as a consultant on the ward. But Bernie? Bernie comes to work every day and works as hard as she can in part because she loves her job and believes in doing it well, but also because of some ridiculous need she’s developed to make Serena proud.

She doesn’t know why, really. Has no idea how this started. But Bernie’s always been like this, always had teachers she would love more than others, whose classes she would ace because of this unstoppable urge to be their best pupil, to make them proud by doing the best job she can. And now, at the age of 51, she’s just as eager and nervous as she was in secondary school doing her best to make this new authority figure think well of her. She puts in long hours and fills out her paperwork immediately and does anything else she can to shine. It’s likely for this reason that work has been a grounding force for her through the past year. And, incredibly, it has been a year since she first came to Holby. A tumultuous confusing year. She clung to work as her life fell to shambles around her and it turned out… okay. She sees her kids sometimes, less so now with Cam in London but still more than she had expected in the early days of her divorce. She has friendships, sort of, with her colleagues here. Raf and Fletch, especially. They’ll go out for drinks after work, they let Bernie in on some of the ridiculous bets they’re always going on about, they even had Bernie over for dinner at their house one night. She’s met their kids. Or Fletch’s kids? She’s still not sure on that. They’re not quite good enough friends for Bernie to come right out and ask what the hell their relationship is. So she doesn’t say anything and quietly continues trying to figure it out.

She has other friends, too. She and Dom, from Keller, always seem to end up on the roof at the same time. They bonded quickly over a shared tendency to do the wrong thing in life. She told him to leave his boyfriend the moment she saw how Isaac was treating him, offered to kill him first, let Dom crash on her sofa for a week after the break up. She even let him take her to a gay bar for the first time in her life. She felt foolish and old but it was affirming in a way, owning her identity like that. Not to mention the number of women (most of them as young as her kids) who hit on her was a confidence boost if nothing else. Her life is good. Not always perfect but usually pretty good. Terrifying boss and everything.

Today, however, is not a good day. Thankfully all the surgeries have been going well, so it’s not that kind of bad day. Not one of the days when death hangs about like a smell you can’t get rid of and surgeons wonder if what they’re doing is any help at all. No today is bad in the more basic ways. It’s hectic and busy and about a thousand things are happening at once. Bernie heard from Lou that Hanssen is making departmental budget cuts, there’s been an endless stream of patients sent up from the ED all day long, and people have been rushing in and out of Serena’s office constantly. She hasn’t seen Serena much, but has seen enough to know that it’s not good. Serena is fuming.

At the end of the (very long) day, Bernie decides to bring Serena a tea. She pops down to Pulses, buys a london fog, brings it back up to AAU. Her plan is to go into the office, give Serena the tea, and then leave. She is not going to say anything. She is not going to look at anything. She is not going to linger. She is not going to stay a moment longer than she needs to. Just a silent token of gratitude and that’s it. She knows if she opens her mouth, if she says anything, Serena will explode. So she opens the door, walks in, lets it fall shut behind her. She thinks _don’t say anything, don’t say anything, don’t say anything_. She hands Serena the cup, hears herself speak.

“Tough day, huh?” She regrets it immediately. How is she this daft? Of course her stupid brain would decide to do this. Why not just take a massive stick and poke the tiger? Why not? Serena glares at her.

“Just do your bloody job and keep your nose out of other people's business,” she snaps. Her jaw is tight and Bernie can tell she's moments away from biting her head off. Bernie has been in the middle of war zones, has been shot at and almost blown up. Bernie thinks this might be scarier than all of that.

 _Fuck_ , she thinks. _Bloody hell you've done it now, just retreat and don't say another thing_. She steps away, she gets to the door. Her fingers are on the handle and she's about to open the door and go. And then the strangest thing happens. She's talking. Again. She hears the words fall out of her mouth like someone else is saying them. Hears her own voice say,

“You look cute when you're angry.”

It's in that exact moment that Bernie realises _shit_ , she's got a crush on her boss.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now, the stunning conclusion (spoiler: it's gay)
> 
> (Usual thanks to the lovely Crystal and Nova who make all my days better)
> 
> (Also shoutout to my roommates Ronus, Hoolay, and Crawfish Carlos for helping me find a word I needed while standing in line at the movie theatre)

Honestly it shouldn't even be that surprising. The crush, that is. When has Bernie not had a thing for cute brunettes with take-charge attitudes? Unfortunately she couldn't just figure that out on her own now could she? No, she, Bernie Wolfe, dolt of the century had to learn about her feelings through quasi-harassing her boss.

After she speaks she stands there, shell shocked, for a moment. Thinks there's no way in hell she just said that. Serena sits there, mouth agape, certainly thinking that there's no way Bernie just said that. And then Bernie flees.

She thanks god that it's the end of the day on a Friday, she rushes to the locker room, changes out of her scrubs, makes it to her car and spends a couple minutes just sitting there, hands on the steering wheel, chastising herself for her stupidity before putting the car into reverse and pulling out of the spot. She pays attentions to her hands and feet, focuses on the simple motions (clutch in, switch gears, clutch out) lets the routine calm her mind.

She spends the weekend running the encounter over and over again in her mind. She types out a letter of explanation for hr. Then a resignation letter. Somehow in the middle of writing the latter she ends up on the hospital website staring at Serena's professional headshot. She curses at herself and closes the tab. What is she? Some lovesick little puppy?

She lolls around her apartment, wastes away her weekend with mindless television, considers cleaning, throws a couple of takeaway containers in the bin and kicks some clothes under her bed and considers it done. She can't concentrate on anything but her obsession with the last five minutes of her Friday work day. She thinks back and tries to remember every minutiae of Serena's facial expressions. She had looked surprised, certainly, but for some reason Bernie thinks not displeased?

She tells herself to stop thinking about it. As if that actually works. After a relatively sleepless night she gets up and heads to work Monday morning. She's running late so when she sees the lift doors in the lobby are open but rapidly closing she shouts out a plea for someone to hold it. She gets into the lift, breathless, and as the doors close she realises she is alone inside with Serena. Crap.

Bernie doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know if she should say something. Apologise maybe? Or not. Maybe Serena wants to forget about it, act like it never happened. That’s possible. Highly possible. In fact that’s what Bernie should want too. Right?

Her nervous thoughts are cut off because suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, Serena is pushing her against the wall of the lift and kissing her. It’s amazing. Absolutely, bloody amazing. Serena’s lips are soft and strong and Bernie can’t help but let her mouth fall open, let Serena’s tongue swipe across her own. She can feel Serena’s body pressed up against her, Serena’s hands in her hair. Her own hands are left to awkwardly flounder from Serena’s hips to shoulders to hair. She wants to touch her everywhere, doesn’t know if she’s allowed to touch her anywhere. Then it’s over, as quickly as it began. The lift dings and Serena turns on her heel and strides out leaving Bernie breathless and confused, one hand pressed to her lips.

She ends up pressing the button for the top floor, takes the stairs to the roof two at a time and prays that whatever gay bat signal she and Dom have going will work today. She isn’t disappointed. She steps out onto the gravel, squints as her eyes adjust, and sees Dom already sat down leaning against one of the smoke stacks. She drops down beside him in a graceless jumble of limbs, knocks her shoulder against his in greeting.

“Hey,” he says.

“Morning.”

“How’s things?”

“I think I fucked up.” At that, Dom turns towards her with a curious smile.

“Do tell.”

“I, um,” Bernie looks up at the clouds and grimaces. “On Friday, at the end of the day, I brought Ser—Ms. Campbell a tea, cause she was having a bad day and I might have. Well. I told her she’s cute when she’s angry,” she bites her lip, avoids looking at Dom, but she knows him well enough to know he’s grinning now.

“I’m sorry, you told Serena Campbell, Wicked Witch of AAU, that she’s cute when she’s angry?” A little giggle bubbles out of him, like he can’t quite help it. Bernie sighs.

“Yes.” She sighs again. “I don’t know, I mean I didn’t even know I was going to say it until I was saying it.” She pauses for a while, intent on tracking one particularly wispy cloud across the sky and Dom waits patiently. “I dunno. I guess I have a crush on her? I don’t know. I’d never thought of her like that before.”

“You _guess_ you have a crush?”

“What?”

“I just. Of course you do!”

“What?”

“You’re kidding, right?” He pitches his voice girlishly high, “Ms. Campbell is _so_ pretty and _so_ smart. Ms. Campbell wore a new blouse today and she looked amazing. Ms. Campbell is the best surgeon in England, maybe even in the whole world. Ms. Campbell looks _so cute_ when she’s filling out charts—”

“Cheeky!” She cuts him off and Dom gives her a challenging look. “Okay, okay,” she raises her hands defensively. “I get the point.”

“Hmph,” Dom replies, smug grin firmly in place.

“I’m not that bad though.”

“Mmm, you are a bit yeah.”

“Sometimes. Maybe.” She falls silent again, thinking about the fact that Dom really does have a point. “She kissed me,” she lets the words out of her mouth before she thinks about it. Before she remembers that Serena is her boss and this is her job and she probably shouldn’t just go around telling people. And what is it these days with her brain seemingly having no control over the words coming out of her mouth?

“What?” Dom is incredulous.

“In the lift. Just now. Ms. Campbell, I mean, she just pushed me up against the wall and kissed me right there.”

“Wow.”

“It was amazing. She’s such a good kisser and I could feel her—”

“Woah, woah,” Dom cuts her off with a wave of his hand. “I do not need to know the specifics,” he wrinkles his nose in disgust.

“Sorry. So… What do I do now?” Dom shoots her a look as if to say ‘really you’re asking me?’

“Go to work?” He suggests, “quickly probably because we’re both already late?”

“Right. Yes. That’s probably a good idea.”

Work is weird. Really really weird. Bernie had prepared herself to be either yelled at or ignored. Mostly expecting the yelling. Instead Serena is being nice to her. Way too nice. She says please and thank you when asking Bernie to look after a patient Bernie was already dealing with. It's two in the afternoon and she's already complimented Bernie three separate times. It's throwing her off kilter. She could also swear that Serena's been watching her. Bernie hasn't caught her, per se, every time she's spun around Serena has been studiously looking at whatever she has in her hands, but she's convinced.

As a coping mechanism she does her best to avoid Serena for the rest of the day. She doesn't know what she'll say or do in her presence so she removes the variable by not being around her. This works until twenty minutes before the end of her shift when she's paged into emergency surgery. When she enters the scrub room she finds Serena already there, and the patient’s in worse enough shape that they’ll need both her and Bernie’s expertise. Bernie does her best not to say anything, concentrates on the work ahead of her instead. She does, at one point, try to compliment Serena on the delicate artery repair she's doing and ekes out something along the lines of ‘talented fingers’, feels herself blush, wonders if the eye twinkle she gets in response is just her imagination.

The surgery takes hours but it is, in the end, a success. They almost lose them and there's a lot of damage but they work well together in theatre (they always have). Afterwards they stand in the scrub room, pull off blood soaked aprons and wash their hands. There's tension now, Bernie can feel it crackling between them. Serena’s looking down at her hands, intent on scrubbing away.

“I'm not a nice person,” she says abruptly.

“Huh?”

“I'm not easy to get along with. The anger thing isn't a work persona. You'd better not be expecting to crack this hard shell and find some nice soft person who's all rainbows and butterflies.”

“What?” It's like the words aren't penetrating Bernie's subconscious, like she can't believe what she's hearing.

“You're not an idiot Bernie,” she snaps. “Don't act like one.”

“You're saying,” Bernie can't help the gleeful excitement in her tone, “that you want to date me?”

“A decision I’m quickly rethinking,” Serena shoots back as she dries her hands.

And this time it's Bernie who moves first, taking two short strides towards Serena, pressing her lips against hers, pinning her back against the sink, her hands gripping her hips. She parts her lips, slips her tongue into Serena's mouth, hears her moan and can't help but grin into the kiss.

“Seem pretty soft to me,” she can't help but quip quietly against her lips.

Serena pulls back, glares at her, lifts an eyebrow.

“Careful,” she warns and it's in that dangerous lowered tone that drives Bernie wild. Bernie groans at it, surges up against Serena and captures her mouth with hers. When they pull away from each other Bernie gives her a little half smile, looks at Serena through her fringe.

“Thankfully we've established I find you cute when you're angry.”

“Hmm, yes we have,” Serena's smile is pert, knowing. “Just cute?”

“Um,” Bernie shakes her head. “No. Hot as hell.” And it's with a victorious smile that Serena pulls her towards her once more.


End file.
